Last year was a big one in terms of personal achievements. I like making lists, so let’s go for it:

1.     WORK: I started a new job, new challenges and responsibilities - great progression in my confidence and skills. I finally moved out of low paid by the hour wage to having a salary.

2.     MONEY & MATERIAL COMFORT: I nearly doubled my monthly income during this year, whilst making time to create and build my business. This has facilitated me to get to a financial level where I can meet one of the most significant needs I had identified, which was to live by myself.

3.     HOME: Given the above, I have been able to move into my own home that is very secure for a rental – it is comfortable, warm, light and spacious, it’s close to the sea, the amenities I need and city centre is within easy access. Bonus amazingness are great neighbours who are happy to take care of my cat whenever I’m away!

4.     FITNESS AND HEALTH: This is the year I finally started to exercise regularly and get into a fitness routine. I learned to love the sweat and being in my body in this way. In the past I had a lot of blocks around fitness – namely from having a mindset that was judging a lot of it as ‘superficial’, as well as struggling to build a consistent habit myself. Now I’m exercising 4 – 6 times a week and loving it. In addition I feel great in my body and my mental health has benefitted greatly as well.

5.     RELATIONSHIPS AND DATING: I left a ‘not right’ relationship much sooner than I would have in the past. I took time to feel my feelings, integrate the lessons and grow from that experience. I did some subconscious work around how I was approaching dating and what I felt worthy of in terms of potential partners and dating experiences. ‘Dating’ has gone from something that was frustrating and emotionally turbulent to something that’s interesting, fun and an opportunity for self-reflection and growth. I have seen a whole new pool of suitors appear in front of me and have met some awesome people along the way, even if we weren’t the right match for a relationship or to keep dating.

6.     SOUL PURPOSE: I have made strides towards stepping towards what I feel is my soul purpose – to craft a path as someone who supports healing, wellbeing and thriving for others. Big achievements here are launching my brand ‘Thrive with Taimi’ and the opportunity to expand into group work via hosting some Ecstatic Dances with Mika. This has put me in touch with some beautiful people I crossed paths with this year who I consider an inspiration (or ‘Expanders’ if that term means something to you 😉 ).

However – in amongst all these ‘external achievements’ – the greatest one of all is actually this:

 

7.     HEALING MY INNER CHILD:

 Describing this process might be a challenge to put into words – but I want to give it a try.

I began consciously developing my relationship with my inner child maybe 3 or 4 years ago. Whenever I would read about ‘Inner Child Work’ – something was pulling on my soulstrings, nudging me that this was something that I needed to do. I had this sense that my inner child needed nourishment and care. I had this feeling that there was a gaping hole in me somewhere – and that I was trying to fill it with all the wrong things. It was the reason I had addictions, it was the reason I would get anxious if I was by myself for too long. What was ironic though was that at the same time I felt like I really *wanted* to be by myself. I had this feeling that all the activities I was doing, all the people I was surrounding myself with – that they were a sort of distraction from what I really needed to make space for, which was something inside.

Yet, when I would make this space – being by myself would after a little while bring up all this anxiety, challenging thoughts and feelings. I felt like I was drowning in a swirl of painful thoughts. I would need to force myself to distract from it in order to keep myself afloat – a bike ride outside, doing something with a group of people, going to a drumming practice, playing board games…

Nature, fresh air, music, fun, pleasant company were all supportive elements that in the right proportion would support my inner work.

But I didn’t yet know how to do the inner work without feeling like I was drowning in it.

And I’m not sure if I can really explain how I eventually did find my way. It was a lot of ‘trying things out’. I’ll make another list of what was most helpful:

 

1.     COMMUNITY: Seeking out community who were on a path of personal healing as well. At the time I found this online, thanks to the shifts and restrictions to do with the pandemic.

 

2.     REPARENTING: A form of personal work that I did mainly through journaling dialogues between my inner child (or me) and my ideal parents (the imagined parents who themselves would have been healed and integrated and been able to best support my development). I also did reparenting work in practice, by doing things that I imagine I would have done with them growing up.

 

3.     HEALTHY STRUCTURE and DISCIPLINE: If you grew up with little or no discipline – or alternatively, if discipline in your family home was punitive and highly critical (or if like me, you grew up between homes and experienced both!) – you are likely to have a challenging time as an adult being self disciplined and maintaining healthy structures for yourself.

However, it’s not in vain that pedagogical texts emphasise children’s need for structure, boundaries and discipline. Healthy form of discipline creates safety for children (and as I discovered – inner children!).

Developing healthy discipline for me has meant being able to go to bed earlier, and therefore, get up earlier. This has allowed me to start my day with intention and self-care, rather than feeling groggy or rushed. Healthy discipline means I am better able to hold my addictive tendencies in check and maintain a routine of healthy habits that organically lessen my desires for the things that are not so good for me in the long run. Healthy structure has also resulted in a feeling of more emotional resilience and a feeling of stability with my mental health.

 

4.     NERVOUS SYSTEM REGULATION: Learning techniques to regulate and support my nervous system has been incredibly important as well. Exercise and being outdoors are great for the nervous system, but so is having a routine and structure.

My favourite tool besides these has been holotropic breathwork, which I have been doing with an app that has guided sessions available between 5 and 45 minutes long. This has been such a support, especially for moments of stress or high emotional charge. It’s a somatic practice that allows me to bypass the thinking mind and deliver healing breath straight to where it is needed (the area of the body where trauma has been stored and is causing contraction), releasing blockages, feeling my feelings and moving through these rather than being frozen.

 

5.     BEING ALONE: You can have community whilst you lean into ‘being alone’. You can ‘be alone’ without feeling lonely. I think that for me, there was something revolutionary about removing the attempt of getting my needs met by others. For years, I was trying to fill this ‘gaping hole’ by having enough friends, by going to enough community events, by being a ‘good enough’ friend and person so that I would get the love that I craved from other people. At the same time, it wasn’t seldom that I would find myself irritated at the people around me – or would find myself in a social situation, feeling disconnected and disappointed that nobody was seeing me or understanding me.

“If we feel disconnected from others – this is often a sign that on some level, we are disconnected from ourselves”

I heard this time and time again from my ‘self help gurus’ and teachers. It just didn’t really land with me, until I decided that I would just let go of trying to get my ‘need for love’ met by other people. What this looked like was stopping trying to arrange to see friends and putting pressure to ‘maintain’ these types of connections. For some time – I would entertain myself. If I wanted to go to the movies, I would do so, without thinking I needed someone else to do it with. I would see people through group activities in person and online – but these would be for the purpose of the activity, rather than because I needed something from those people.

I would completely let go of my grasping to do with other people and just give to myself what I needed, as best I could.

What has followed has been more creativity, having fun by myself, trying out new things, meeting new people and feeling less lonely than before. I don’t know if I’ve actually seen people less or not. Opportunities for connecting with others have arisen naturally and with ease. I am definitely enjoying my own company even more and becoming more intimate with myself. I feel more trusting that the times of companionship and intimate friendship will arise when the time is right – there is no need to be grasping for it, and in the meantime I can enjoy the sacred time with myself.

  * * *

So – why is it so important to me to have made this progress with healing my inner child?

One of the main reasons that springs to mind is that it will allow me better to say ‘no’ to things that aren’t aligned with my desires and purpose. ‘The Enlightened No’ as Gay Hendricks puts it. Given that we only have a limited time and energy on this planet – would we not want to spend it doing the work that most fulfils us? – with the people whose company we are most inspired by? – doing the activities that make us feel our best?

This requires exercising the ‘Enlightened No’ – i.e. refraining from spending time and energy on things that are less than what we desire.

 

If I spend my entire day shelling peanuts – I’m not going to get the nourishing meal I desire.

If I spend all my days carving spoons – I’ll never learn how to make a dining table.

If I always go on holiday to the family caravan park – I might never climb a mountain, swim in a waterfall or experience a bustling spicy market.

 

Perhaps clumsy metaphors, but I hope they drive my point across.

What is difficult is to say ‘no’ (to the relationship, to the job, to the friendships or community, to the lifestyle) if we have that gaping hole inside that we are trying to fill (subconsciously) from the outside.

“If we don’t take these peanuts – who knows, maybe there is nothing else on offer!” says the wounded, fearful part of us. The part that is rooted in scarcity and is threatened by anything beyond the ‘safety’ of the small life it knows. And so it becomes difficult to leave the relationship that we are unhappy in – or the job that makes us miserable. It makes it harder to let go of our addictive behaviours and other forms of self-abandonment.

Being ‘whole’ on the inside supports us in taking the steps to manifest what we desire on the outside. It enables us to be discerning and take action from a place of consideration and wisdom – rather than from a place of reactivity and emotional volatility.

I hope that this may inspire you to do something good to your inner child today – however that looks. Happy transitions into the New Year!