#005 - Why I am grateful to be single right now

A few weeks ago I began a daily gratitude practice. At 1.49 (the numbers from my birthday) every day - a gratitude alarm goes off and I list three things that I am grateful for in a note on my phone or more recently with a good friend who happened to be with me at that time on several occasions.

I used to cringe at gratitude practices.

They felt forced and verging on ’toxic positivity’, which I’ve always felt highly repellent of (more on this in another post). The first few times that the alarm went off I felt kind of annoyed - it was an inconvenience, maybe I’d skip it or quickly write down something but wasn’t necessarily really feeling it.

But there is something about consistency, and slowly the practice has sunk in some more and now it is something I enjoy. I am seeing how strongly my subconscious programming leans towards seeing the proverbial glass ’half empty’ rather than ’half full’ and how this reinforces a mindset of scarcity and lack.

Something that I feel is often seen from the perspective of ’lack’ - is being single. Being in partnership is ”fullness” and being single is ”missing something”. I can see that I certainly have held this belief, when I’m being honest with myself. Time between relationships felt like a sort of ’waiting game’. Sure, I might do a few things here and there, but it all felt like ’passing the time’ until the next partner would come around. Of course, I would not have admitted to this at the time (because we all want to come across as thriving, empowered individuals who aren’t so needy?) - but observing my actions and behaviours from that time, I can see that I didn’t genuinely have the self worth that I was hoping to project.

I believe there is an array of socio-cultural messages that I have been exposed to - that have contributed to this perspective of seeing ’non-partnership’ as a state where something is lacking. Today what comes up for me strongest has to do with my programming around having been socialised as a woman in the environments I grew up in. I have become aware of a painful ’female archetype’ that I grew up with, which I believe is linked to the subconscious belief that I need a relationship in order to be happy/fulfilled.

This archetype goes something like:

- A woman’s worth is in her looks, she should always look beautiful and dress in a way that makes her attractive

- Women’s ’fun’ is to go to the movies together, to go for coffee, to converse over wine, to have dinner, to go shopping (not i.e. going on adventures, being creative together, being rebellious or raucous)

- A woman isn’t funny or someone to take the lead in group conversations

- It’s not safe for a woman to take the risk of looking silly or foolish in some way (”if she looks silly or makes a fool of herself, she is undesirable, which is a very bad thing”)

- Women aren’t to make a lot of noise, to be in bands or things like that - she can perhaps play a single instrument in a controlled manner.

- Women don’t have the confidence to be leaders and their perspective is not going to be heard , valued , taken seriously…

For me, this archetype was linked to a core limiting belief ”I cannot be unapologetically expressed, fulfilled and powerful as a woman”. I did not see women I identified with embody the level of expression and joy I was longing for.

So - needless to say - I spent a lot of my 20s with a lot of my ’Feminine’ in my shadow. This meant that I was seeking to break free from the shackles of ’my womanhood’, because I wanted the freedom to truly express myself and experience life in an expanded way, rather than through that narrow window of options that I felt were available to me at the time, as a woman.

To challenge what I saw as ”not possible” for this feminine archetype - I started to play the guitar, got myself involved in drumming groups, was drawn to feminist and queer groups/spaces, rejected a conventional career path (that my subconscious associated with patriarchy or male dominance), started to empower myself with regards to speaking up, going on adventures by myself, getting myself involved in improv comedy… The big tag words for this time would be ”freedom”, ”expression” and ”empowerment”.

In my pursuit of liberated empowerment - I had rejected many parts of my femininity, without realising it. Having leaned towards ’masculine energy’ in order to liberate myself - I was still internally and subconsciously perpetuating the patriarchal structure of ’masculine > feminine’. In a way, the lack of respect for women that I had felt around me growing up - was now replicating itself inside me in a hidden way.

This manifested externally as me, for example, judging women who I saw as ’very feminine’.

I realised that the next stage of my liberation would require me to befriend my femininity once again - to genuinely value the aspects that pertain to ’the feminine’ and to allow myself to relate to these aspects with curiosity and joy.

This is the chapter that I am currently writing for myself - and it is intricately linked to the challenging of any little subconscious part of my programming that is still outsourcing my happiness and wellbeing to a relationship.

This is what I feel so passionate about right now as a woman and a human being that has lived in this codependent pattern for so long.

Every day, I am being guided by the following affirmation:

”My life is truly fulfilling, empowered and beautiful without a romantic relationship”.

This is not from a protective - defensive place where I have been so hurt by love that I am now rejecting it. It is from a place of prioritising my true wholeness that is not dependent on external crutches. The key word here is ’dependent’ - for we are always in relationship with the world, with other people and societal systems. The aim is not to challenge interconnectedness - but it is to recognise the way and the energy with which you might be connecting to the world or the people around you.

Being single is a beautiful opportunity to focus in on this affirmation and take aligned action in its direction.

Here are a few things that I feel this container is making space for and what I am grateful for right now:

1. I can be more present in my life and in my environment - not constantly plagued by obsessive thoughts around what partner has or hasn’t done and what that means etc etc. Going for a walk or just relaxing at home is a pleasant experience, rather than time to ruminate over relational matters.

2. I have more energy and attention to listen to podcasts, read books and educate myself on topics that I am passionate about and that are supporting my healing and empowerment.

3. I have more time and energy for creative pursuits and exploring how I wish to express myself in the world - getting to know my ’creative self’ more intimately is exhilarating!

What I believe the benefits of living a life that is ”truly fulfilling, empowered and beautiful without a romantic relationship” are:

1. ”Like attracts like” - the more whole, healthy and fulfilled I am, the more likely I will attract this level of partner as well

2. I will be able to be more discerning when somebody is not aligned (because there isn’t a gaping hole in my life that needs filling)

3. When dating or starting a relationship - I will be able to hold boundaries better, have patience to take things slowly (again because there are other great things in myeline besides this person) and get to know each other properly. This in turn gives time to observe and be curious about ’red flags’ before getting properly attached - and the power to walk away if need be, during this process.

4. When in partnership, having my own truly joyous and fulfilling life means that I am less prone to getting in a codependent pattern or to enmesh with my partner, which supports the longevity and stability of the connection.

5. Trusting that I can be fulfilled on my own means that I will not stay in a partnership that is no longer aligned - I will not fear letting go of someone, if being apart is going to ultimately serve us both better. This means that I can be free in the relationship too - for I believe that if we fear walking away, we are likely to make sacrifices (conscious or subconscious) in order to stay in the relationship.

So - a big question here of course is - ”What is a truly fulfilling, empowered and beautiful life?”

I will not go into this now as it is a big topic. I know that for me it has to do with knowing myself intimately, feeling expressed, connected and in alignment with my purpose. Being single is a beautiful opportunity also for this exploration - the space to shed the limiting beliefs and programming that I grew up with and to connect to the ’authentic pure light being’ that I came into this world as (as I believe we all have).

To conclude - I am so grateful for seeing the next level that I wish to reach, both for myself and for the future relationships I engage in. I am so grateful to have this space to enquire into the question ”what is going to support me in getting there?” - to be taking those steps, making mistakes and learning from these, to get quiet and see where my energy feels drawn to. I am so grateful to have the opportunity to be moving to this ’next level’ which I believe will ripple out benefits throughout my life. I am grateful for the opportunity to do the inner work now, that is going to bring me more wholeness and allow me to show up in an expanded way to my relationships, work and community. I am excited about how it will support me in holding out for my aligned partner and how it will allow me to show up in that relationship.