#007 - On Resistance
I flew back to Finland last Wednesday, after over a year and a half of not being home. I was going to finish last bits of work on the plane before starting my holiday, but ended up in a conversation with the guy in the seat next to me and we stayed chatting the entire flight. I feel that those real life connections are somehow extra precious after the last couple of years and how cooped up as a society we’ve been in that regard.
The conversation spanned across several topics, but the one that stuck with me the most was around habit change and the ‘resistance’ that comes up when i.e. trying to do something like take up running. He shared a great strategy that he had employed in his process, which was to pre-emptively go through every ‘excuse’ that he might come up with in the moment of needing to get up and go out. He had written these out and thought of ways of solving these before facing them. As an example he gave that in the moment he might think
“Blergh, the weather is terrible I don’t want to run in the rain/snow/wind”
and as the pre-emptive action he got himself the right gear for each weather that would keep him comfortable enough – so when the moment of resistance came, it would be easier for him to overcome it.
I thought this was a brilliant approach (and he said to have had success with it with the running) and immediately started thinking about extrapolating into other circumstances and situations.
One thought that had come to me already then was that ‘Resistance’ comes up whenever we grow, change and expand. It might be in the realm of habit change and working out – but also when we decide to pursue a creative passion, a new way of relating or valuing ourselves more.
So what can ‘resistance’ look like in different instances?
Procrastination (you might decide you need to do a million other things before you can start writing that play)
Deprioritisation (“I can’t do this thing because I have to go this event / see this person / do this favour”
Using external circumstances as reason or excuse to give up (i.e. the ‘running in bad weather’ – example above)
Perfectionism (“my exercise routine, my healthy lifestyle, my creative project – has to be perfect in order to be worth doing”)
Fearful or anxious thoughts (“what does everyone think of me? what if X or Y happens?”)
I want to be careful about the energy that I write these with. I am allergic to the pushy ‘grit your teeth and do it!” mentality as I believe that this can quite easily become abusive and disconnect us from our bodies and our needs. I don’t want someone to feel like they are lazy or a ‘failure’ if they engage in the behaviours listed above. To the contrary – what I’m saying is that ‘resistance’ is a natural part of the process and that we all experience it. Therefore, the task is not to ‘do away’ with resistance, pretend like its not there or to push through it with brute force (sometimes there is a time and space for these strategies, but I know that in my case it would not be a sustainable long term strategy).
So – the questions alive for me right now are:
1. How can we bring understanding and compassion for the parts of us that cause our resistance?
2. How can we hold the resistance without allowing it in the drivers’ seat?
For me, having compassion for my ‘resistance’ is easy in theory. I have learnt enough about the different effects of trauma (big ‘T’ trauma as well as little ‘t’ trauma) and the protective mechanisms of our nervous system – that I know that all my defenses, my protection and my resistance is the way that my nervous system has learnt to protect itself. I believe this is how most peoples’ nervous systems work.
How does our nervous system learn to protect and how is this related to growth, habit change and expansion?
Firstly, ‘Change’ poses more of a potential threat to our survival than ‘Familiarity’.
Secondly. Through our childhood and adolescence we picked up stories about what behaviours are safe and what are risky.
Was it safe to speak up and share your honest opinion – or was it safer to stay quiet and agree with everyone else?
Was it safe to be seen by others?
Was it safe to be seen to fail at something?
Was it safe to share your feelings with those close to you?
Was it safe to try doing something different than everybody else?
Was it safe to ask for what you want?
Was it safe to be creative and share your creations with the world?
Was it safe to not excel academically, in sports or in the hobbies you took on?
Was it safe to explore where your interests and passions lie?
If your early experiences imprinted in your subconscious that it is NOT safe to have a go at new things, to risk failure in some regard or to have intimacy with other people – then doing anything towards these is naturally going to bring up resistance.
If you are like me, this makes sense to you in principle.
What is challenging is recognizing ‘resistance’ when it is actually happening and having the wherewithal to stay in a place observation – seeing that it is simply a protective mechanism of our nervous system.
I’ve heard of methods where ‘resistance’ is identified as a part of us – as the ‘Inner Saboteur’. As someone who has experienced a lot of value from Parts Work – this approach appeals to me. However, I would not want to demonize the ‘Inner Saboteur’ part of me – 3like I wouldn’t want to demonize any part of me. I would want to value it as a part that has served its purpose and kept me safe – AND I would like to stay strong in not giving it power when it’s not serving me in the situation I find myself right now. For example – I might have grown up in a strictly religious
So this brings us to the second question – How to expand the container in which our ‘resistant part’ swims in? How can we say “resistance, I see you, thank you for keeping me safe until now – but I am going to choose a more expanded reality right now” ?
This is a contemplation for another day.
