#018- A lonely life
I saw this painting the other day.
For a moment I sank into empathy and sadness, feeling into the image conveyed. The lonely woman, returning home after a long day of toil, to an empty house yet to spend another evening on her own. How she must have felt… how sad…
Then I caught myself.
Just because this woman was alone does not necessarily mean she was lonely. Maybe it was just the artist’s interpretation about something he observed.
Being alone and being lonely are not the same thing. You can be in the middle of a party or surrounded by family - and still feel lonely. The people might distract you, keeping you too busy from allowing yourself to feel it - but it will not fundamentally change the situation.
On the other hand - you can be alone in a remote hut in the middle of nowhere and not feel lonely at all.
I believe that learning to alone is on the important adulthood ‘rites of passage’. This is particularly important if we sustained some relational challenges in our upbringing. If we didn’t feel completely seen and supported by those around us to develop our authentic selves. If this is the case, then most likely we have learnt to adapt, to modify something about ourselves in order to attain and preserve connection. We continue to subconsciously replicate this pattern in adult relationships. And that is why we can end up feeling lonely whilst surrounded by friends or why we can end up feeling estranged from our partners, for example.
We learnt to trade authenticity for connection and we’re stuck in that loop until we do the work to heal that pattern. Until we connect to our ‘empowered alone’. This means being ‘alone’ is not just a phase where you shut your eyes, clench your teeth and hope it passes as soon as possible. It’s where being alone is a gift and an opportunity. When being alone doesn’t have to mean we entertain stories that make us feel sad and sorry for ourselves. And where when feelings of sadness and loneliness come - we allow ourselves to move through them, recognising that they are just a temporary emotional experience in a whole array of emotions. It is not a permanent state of affairs.
‘Empowered alone’ is also about recognising that there isn’t really such a thing as ‘being truly alone’. If we do not have a romantic partner, it’s an opportunity to connect more with friends or family. If we are not nourished by those connections right now, then that is a chance to meet new people, try out new things, connect with ourselves, with nature or with Spirit if that’s your thing.
It can be an invitation for adventure, whether a physical one through going to a new place or a metaphorical one where you explore new interests, try out new things, surround yourself with new people and environments. We just need to let go of our resistance to accepting this invitation.
The truth is - we are always connected to the Universe and the Universe will always gift us opportunities of connection of different types. Here’s to having the courage to trust. Here’s to having the wisdom to not succumb to the ruts that come from perpetually believing the negative stories of our or other peoples’ minds.
