“I’m just waiting for my husband…” (#031)

I recently shared on my Instagram about feminine-masculine polarity and how I have made use of this concept in the dating sphere of my life. I had some responses from you about it being a topic that resonated with you - so I thought I would share a real-life example from last night where this was at play.

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Last night I went out dancing.

When I was about to leave, a nice-looking man I had noticed earlier on the dancefloor complimented me on my dancing. We struck up a conversation by the entrance.

I liked his energy, he had a solid ‘man vibe’, I felt relaxed in his company and noticed my bubbly storytelling side coming out within the first minutes of talking with him. His flirting was attractive too: clear and intentional, but not too overbearing and intense.

After it had come up that I was single - he asked if he could give me his number and that if I would like to, we could go out on a date.

I liked this approach.

It didn’t put me on the spot to give an answer there and then. It would give me time to feel into whether I would like this man to have the option to contact me in the future. It felt easy to say ‘yes’ because I had nothing to lose.

Had he asked for my number instead - I would perhaps have gone into my head trying to evaluate in the moment whether I felt comfortable giving out my number to him, which would have taken me out of my body and the present experience.

Instead, with his offer, I was able to stay in my feminine energy.

However, as soon as he had given me the number he told me that he was in an open relationship.

I give him credit that he brought it up straight away, rather than bring it up on the date, for example.

But my experience in the moment was that I felt my body tense up instantly. He said some more words but I wasn’t really present as I was observing the changes inside me. There was a clear boundary for my feminine. In the past I may have noticed a boundary like this, but allowed the social interaction to continue unfettered - instead ‘leaving it’ to be analysed later. So in this case, I may have pretended I wasn’t phased by what he shared, kept up with the pleasantness of the social interaction, said goodbye and only afterward made space for how this piece of information was actually making me feel.

This time, however, I could make space for it in real-time.

I said to him that I would not be using his number for dating purposes as I was not '“into that stuff”.

“What stuff?” he asked.

“Being in an open relationship - stuff”

“Well, you wouldn’t have to be in one, you could just…” he replied but I remember his response fading out at this point. I thought he looked a little sheepish then. I may be imagining it, but I wonder if it was because he sensed what I was thinking as he was saying those words.

In case it’s not obvious - what I was thinking was:

“If I’m not going to entertain a relationship that is open - I’m certainly not going to entertain something even more vague!”

I responded by telling him that I was in a pretty ‘traditional mood’ with regard to all that and that I was actually just “waiting for my husband”. That I wasn’t interested in giving my energy to anything else right now. I think he took it pretty well - but our conversation was cut short as lots of people started leaving the establishment and it got too crowded to stay where we were. I said goodbye and started making my way home.

It had felt really good to say what I had.

Just as it is.

No drama, no shame or blame.

I felt clear and intentional. I wasn’t condemning his relationship choices, just being very clear that it is not for me. I have spent quite a few years surrounded by people who are in open relationships or exploring them on some level. Open relationships seem quite ‘on trend’ these days and I hear more and more people getting on dating apps such as ‘Field’ that are more accommodating of these.

I have dabbled in open relationships myself, back in the day.

And, through these experiences, I have concluded that - at least for the time being - I do not want to be in one.

I see my interest in them having been interwoven with my avoidant attachment pattern. They were a way to have a relationship when the other person wasn’t ‘quite right’ and to prevent getting too intimate with a partner. I wasn’t aware of it at the time, but I believe the reason I resisted intimacy with another was that I had yet to meet myself at that level of intimacy.

I could only be as intimate with another as I was being with myself.

And my relationship choices have tended to mirror the level of connection I have within.

I’m not saying this is the case for others who are playing on ‘open field’ - but it’s certainly a question worth asking yourself.

***

Anyway - back to the situation with the man.

The way I see the energetics of the situation are as follows:

I had remained open and in my feminine energy with him - enjoying the space that he was providing energetically and letting him guide the connection forward. I was receiving his compliments and allowing myself to enjoy them, feeling relaxed.

Then - as soon as my feminine energy contracted - I responded and honoured my boundary.

Knowing that I can do this feels like a practical example of what I mean by the idea of “strengthening my healthy masculine” at the same time as deepening into my feminine energy.

The healthy masculine allows me to be connected to my boundaries. It’s internally observing my feminine energy and keeping her safe. As soon as my feminine contracts or no longer feels at ease - my masculine will step in with determination and clarity. It doesn’t have to be aggressive or defensive - it just steps in to navigate the situation to keep my feminine safe at all times.

The more I repeat doing this for myself - the safer my feminine will feel with me. The safer she will feel to be expressed in different situations in my life. And for some reason - the more I can bring her out into the world - the happier it’s making me.

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So there we are. If you would like to share with me something about how you are navigating polarity in your life, I would love to hear about it.

Sending love

Taimi

cover photo by Azrul Aziz on Unsplash