#021 - If the holidays get you feeling like you are “behind”
This is the time of year that many of us are going home or going to be with family. Popular culture depicts this time as joyful and happy, which is why if our experience deviates from that – it can feel extra jarring.
Going home, seeing our family members or old friends can be a sort of disruption in our usual circle of familiarity and comfort. Suddenly we may be exposed to people and ways of thinking that we do not normally surround ourselves with – many of us do not choose our families after all, nor their political standing, worldviews and so on.
This experience can be refreshing, rich and connecting. On the other hand it can be challenging too. If you are lucky, maybe it will be a bit of both!
Today I wanted to speak to one challenging aspect that may come up for us during this time: that of comparison and evaluating ourselves against society’s ‘yardstick’ of a ‘successful life’. Which milestones are you supposed to have met by this point in your life?
Maybe we see hear our cousin has just bought a house together with his long term partner. Maybe our aunt asks us how come we are still single / how come we’re still not engaged / how come still not married / how come still no kids… maybe it’s seeing our childhood friends who all have their shit together when it comes to their career, whilst we’ve given up trying to explain the patchwork of different projects, jobs and freelance work that we’ve undertaken over the last year.
Let’s call it the ‘ideal, linear life path’. This time of year may reinforce the belief that the majority of everyone else’s lives adhere to this path. This time of year may bring up a tendency to compare our own lives to this imagined ideal, which we project onto the lives of other people who may meet some aspect of this ideal more than we do.
Whatever the stimulus – the inner outcome is feeling not good enough, feeling ‘behind’ on some level. Comparing yourself to others, or to some expectation of where you are ‘supposed to be by now’. There may be an energetic of despair, grasping, scarcity or defeat.
And this is most likely reinforced by the questions we get asked over this time of year, seeing people we haven’t possibly seen for a long time. How many of those people will start a conversation with a question like
“how has level of self-awareness grown?” - or
“how has your general level of wellbeing evolved over the last year?” - or
“how is your heart at this time?”
No – it’s much more likely going to be questions about the external, the tangible. And it makes sense – it’s easier to talk about that. The inner stuff is more intimate, and in many cases would also feel strange to have someone you haven’t seen for years start asking such questions. However – it’s important that we ourselves don’t lose sight of the importance of the inner versus the outer achievements.
After all – you can have all the riches and accomplishments in the world – but these will feel meaningless after a while if you are not addressing the true imbalance within.
If you are reading this – more likely than not you fall into the category of people who do care about the ‘inner balance’. You care about true wellbeing and genuine thriving – rather than simply having a life that looks good on paper or in pictures. More likely than not you have experience of that very act of stepping back and going:
“Hang on a second!”
How do I actually feel in this situation? What is my true path? Who am I authentically and how do I honour that in the best way?
If this is you – I am grateful for you – as I am sure are many others. For each of us is paving the way for one another and each of us is reassuring one another of the power of choosing our own stories. And that is what I hope to reassure you of today – in the midst of potential pressures swaying your thinking in other directions!
Essentially it boils down to:
1. Recognising that during this time, there can be a tendency to feeling bad about “being behind” in some way.
2. This is a beautiful opportunity to practice honouring your unique path, remembering the sacredness of your deviation from the norm.
In order to elaborate on the second point, I would now like to invite you to think of the people you respect and admire.
How many of them have attracted your admiration for how well they have perfectly met all the milestones of the ‘ideal, linear life’? Again, I’m going to take a guess that if you are reading this – chances are that the answer is “not many”.
Most of our idols , teachers or mentors attract our respect because they are doing something different, something out of the ordinary. They are blazing trails, being innovative, creating something new – walking the road less travelled. And when these people talk about their journeys – they repeat how every detour they took – how every challenge that life threw at the, was for a reason. These challenges provided an initiation. They created the conditions that forced these people to develop a skill, empathy or wisdom – which in turn was crucial to the impact they are having today.
Had there been no reason for them to stray from ‘the path more travelled’ – then it would be those things that would have absorbed their attention and energy. The more conventional career path, the family, the material acquisitions… And they would not have put that energy and attention to creating whatever it is that they created that you respect them for!
Instead – there had to be some pain, some urge to discover or create something different.
Diamonds are created under pressure.
How about it if you work to extend to yourself the same respect that you have for the non-linear journeys of your idols? How about it if you treated yourself with the same graciousness as you would someone you look up to? How about it if you didn’t undermine the conditions that life has bestown upon you – in order to get you to create your diamonds?
All the challenges and all the pain you have experienced were there for a reason. Accept them, honour them, for in their own way they are gifts as well. Yes, they may have caused those “detours” – but now what you have the power to do is to choose how you relate to them.
If you choose to resist them and keep wishing that you had just been able to go along that linear path and living that “perfect life” – this will turn your pain into suffering.
Wouldn’t it be silly for a diamond to wish it were a regular lump of coal? Yet this is essentially what you are doing when you refuse to appreciate and value all that you have gained from your detours, mountains faced and rivers crossed. Do not rob yourself of your treasures – do not forgo the chance of appreciating your diamonds.
Take a deep breath.
It’s all as it’s supposed to be. Your life has unravelled exactly as it has supposed to have, and everything you have done and experienced until now will make sense when you are living out your true purpose.
Sure, you can choose to not believe it – but you are robbing yourself of the chance to make it a reality.
And even if you choose to believe it – know that your trust will waver.
Your belief will become compromised – for the mind is riddled with fearful tendencies and negative confirmation biases. Stealthily, making no sound, those comparing, self-defeating or self-critical thoughts make their way back.
That’s okay. Think of a mindfulness practitioner working to stay present with his breath but who is inevitably interrupted by the wandering mind. The practice of mediation is simply becoming aware of each time this happens – and gently bringing the mind back to the breath. In the same way – your practice is simply to notice each time the self-critical thoughts are there – and rather than getting annoyed with yourself or anything like that – lovingly reminding yourself of your diamonds that are awaiting their opportunity of being birthed into the world.
Through rinse and repeat of this practice – you are giving yourself the chance you deserve to create the wonders that life has primed you to create. This way you are no longer blowing out the flame with your self-defeat before you’ve even given yourself the chance to set light to something else. Instead, you are opening to the possibility of having your creative flame fuelled and for it to grow into a bright warming fire that can do some good in the world.
Welcome back to trust.
I will leave you with a segment from “Wax” – a poem by Rumi, a 13th century Sufi poet:
“I must have been incredibly simple or drunk or insane
to sneak into my own house and steal money,
to climb over the fence and take my own vegetables.
But no more. I've gotten free of that ignorant fist
that was pinching and twisting my secret self.
The universe and the light of the stars come through me.
I am the crescent moon put up
over the gate to the festival.”
