#025 - Just Because Someone Else is Lost Doesn’t Mean You Have to Lose Your Way
Sometimes we come across situations where we have done the hard work of choosing to become more aligned with our Higher knowing.
Maybe it’s letting go of something you have been addicted or attached to – that has no longer been serving you. Maybe you have decided to let go of a person or a group, maybe it’s a habit or a pattern. Maybe it’s a little bit of everything, such as, for example, when someone decides they want to stop a late night party lifestyle – this could involve having to let go of people, substances, habits as well as behaviours.
Maybe it’s a behaviour or a pattern that you have identified as having been about trying to source validation, comfort or love outside of yourself.
Maybe it’s jumping from one relationship to another for fear of being alone, for the distraction it provides from your pain or boredom or for the validation of your worthiness and being lovable – from the outside.
Maybe it some form of attention seeking, again looking for approval and validation from others whilst being completely disconnected to yourself and your own experience.
Maybe it’s a codependent tendency to self-abandon and put others’ needs first, while subconsciously expecting your needs to be met by others.
There are a million ways in which we can become attached to something. We can relate to just about anything from a place of ‘not enough’ and use it to try and fill that inner void from the outside. Besides the usual addictive substances – we can develop this relationship to work, exercise, healthy eating, our appearance, personal growth, sex, technology (ta-dah!)… Obviously none of these things are intrinsically bad – we just need to get into right relationship to them.
And that is that big process of evolving consciousness as human beings. That is what all the different religions and spiritual teachings talk about. To get to a place where we are no longer ruled by our fearful minds that feel disconnected, desperately running on that hamster wheel trying to get our sense of fulfilment and happiness from external things.
Back to You.
You are on this journey with your brothers and sisters – you are developing your consciousness and your understanding of Life on Earth and in this Universe. You are working hard to get your actions, beliefs and your behaviour aligned with what you know. This is easier said than done, for this is where your resistance kicks in. This is where all the ways in which your upbringing did not support you to grow up with this level of consciousness is showing its deeply ingrained grooves. It manifests in your emotions, in your thoughts and in your behaviours.
Coming into more alignment is a continuous process of:
Observation: What is happening that does not feel good? In what way do you keep falling in the same hole over and over again? What do we do that provides temporary relief in the moment but that is not supportive to us in the long run?
2. Reflection: What is driving this pattern? What is the pain that we are trying to alleviate, to numb or to distract from?
3. Understanding: What do we actually need to meet the core need or desire underneath? What do we need to let go of, how do we need to reorient? What is the deeply nourishing meal that can replace those quick energy-release snacks?
4. Action: Choosing to start making the effort to change the pattern. Signing up to a support group or course. Putting in place the boundaries that support your change. Deleting the dating app. Signing up to therapy. Metaphorically - clearing away the snacks from the cupboards, filling the fridge with wholesome ingredients, scheduling time to cook and purchasing a cookbook that brings you joy.
5. Consistency: Processing your resistance when it comes up in different ways. Working to make your action sustainable in the long run rather than a 2-week stint. Making adjustments that help you sustain your effort. Making the steps smaller if needed, seeking more support if needed, fueling your continued action with love and joy rather than criticism and punishment. Being with – and processing the challenging emotions coming up in this stage.
The last phase really tests us in a number of ways. It’s where our low self-worth pattern is working at its best to keep us in our ‘safe and familiar’ level. This can also come in as the Universe sending apparently external influences that will challenge our commitment and our consistency.
Sometimes this test will come in the form of somebody who themselves are still ‘hooked’ on the thing you are learning to let go of. And maybe they have just received or had success at something that the past version of you would have really wanted. Now you’re low self-worth pattern is really revved up – it spews out doubtful and intrusive thoughts, jealousy and just a general feeling of turning on yourself with judgments and negative thoughts. It’s as if that pattern is loudly asking you “are you sure you dare to let go of this, that it’s safe to not be hustling for this anymore?” trying to invoke your fear and doubt.
Phew. It’s a lot to be dealing with.
What I want you to remember is that just because someone else is lost – that does not mean you need to lose your way.
Also – that being tested in various ways is a key part of stage 5 of the alignment process. So the emergence of what appears as an annoying nuisance or a disruption – is actually an integral part of what this stage is all about. It’s about staying committed to your knowing, to your truth and to your alignment even when tested. Even when resistance shows up in its myriad ways.
What can help as well is to remember that this other person is on a different level in their journey. We are all learning different things at different stages, and we need to allow everyone to be on their own timeline. Sometimes we need to fall in the same hole for the 20th time, going through the same pain again and again – until we are finally ready to see what is happening. And so we enter stage 1: Observation.
Until we are ready to see – nothing else will happen.
I’m sure you have been here too – repeating the same mistakes or patterns over and over again. Only when you were ready – did the teachers arrive and you were in a place to actually hear what they were saying. And I’m sure that in retrospect, once you have done your reflection – you understand that you were just doing this those 20 times trying to cope with a woundedness underneath. Because someone had told you that at the end of that road there was a great treasure trove with all the riches you’d want – and you wanted nothing more than to get there. So you kept trying to go down that path over and over again, even if the hole was always there and you were never going to get past it without falling in. Only when you choose to change the road you are travelling on – by getting into more alignment – can there be a different outcome.
But this person is still on that earlier road. And maybe they are still full in their belief that this road is going to take them to the treasure. They tell you about it excitedly, how amazing and fun it is. But you can see and feel that they still have their blinkers on. They are still swept away by that tantalising story of the riches – and they are going to miss the hole in the middle of that road.
It's as if you are both at an intersection – and this person is going down the same old road, telling you about how this time it’s going to be different, this time it will actually work! They are in such an excited rush and not taking the time to observe what the terrain actually looks like. They want it to take them to the other side so badly, you can feel that they are running away from something, trying to smooth over and create a story of ‘happy ever-lasting’.
Have the courage to trust what your experience of taking this approach and this road has taught you. Have the courage to say ‘no’ to going along it once again – and instead to venture out the other way, even if it is the unknown and you are feeling uncertain. Trust that you will find your way.
The only way to find the right way is to stop going the way you know is wrong.
Don’t let yourself be guided by those who themselves are lost.
cover photo by Ivana Cajina on Unsplash.
