#026 - Understanding Codependence

Disclaimer: Everything that follows is based on my own understanding and experience – is not clinical advice or therapeutic guidance. Please only take what feels useful to you and your process and ignore the rest.

I think of ‘Codependence’ and love addiction sort of in the same boat, perhaps even synonymous. Both are characterised by a strong desire to be part of a couple, to be in partnership, to have romantic connections, to find love, etc… As well as wanting to avoid being alone – a discomfort in being single, a boredom or anxiety.

Think of being a tree and a relationship being like your branches becoming connected and intertwined with the branches of another tree. In a healthy, secure place – you are firmly rooted and standing tall on your own, healthy and strong – able to withstand the winds and the rains in amongst your community of other trees. You are in a position to feel into what kind of tree you want to join your branches with – what will create the most beauty, pleasure and perhaps nourishing new habitat for new life.

When you have found your tree, your branches can come together with freedom and ease – there is no pressure or rushing to become united. Both trees are firmly standing rooted to the ground, coming together full of health and vitality in themselves. Their branches are full of tenderness, presence and awareness - savouring every moment of the process of becoming intimate.

Codependence on the other hand is like being a tree that is slanted – not in balance on its own. Its roots are shallow and strong winds can potentially knock it down. The tree is in a position where it is at risk of falling down unless it quickly finds another tree to lean on. Therefore, there is no room to be too picky or selective – many trees will do, as long as they are willing. The process of coming together will be quick because both sides are already nearly toppled over and are desperate for a union to keep them upright.

So - when we have a pattern of codependency – there are a few characteristics of different relational phases that are:

(1)   Discomfort in being alone

The time of not being in partnership is a time of searching, of an energetic hunger and one that we wish to close our eyes from and endure until we are again in the safe haven of a romantic connection.

(2)  Lack of clarity about our desired partner

We are so concerned with being chosen that we ignore our role in being the one to choose. In addition we may subconsciously be afraid that having ‘too high standards’ is going to prolong the time of being without partnership, which as we have identified above – is a time of discomfort. We may use casual relationships or sexual exploration (if not made as a conscious choice) as additional avoidance techniques – keeping ourselves busy and entertained, rather than face the risk of connecting with what we truly desire in a partner (and risk being alone for longer).

(3)   When we meet someone – projecting and ignoring red flags

When we meet someone that could be a potential partner – we begin to quickly project onto them in a way that puts them on a pedestal. We also have a tendency to ignore potential red or yellow flags. We don’t take the time to discern – if this person is in fact right for us. There is an energetic drive for it to be so – and there is a rush in coming together.

The feeling of having found somebody we like and who likes us back is so soothing and exciting - that we easily start creating stories around it. Such as ‘I have found the one’ and we begin to create images of our future life together, making plans early on and so on.

This is usually fuelled by the desire to avoid some kind of pain – perhaps it’s the pain of processing a previous break-up, perhaps the pain of being bored at work or in our friendships, perhaps its to avoid feeling the pain of the misalignment in our lives.

(4)  We bargain with ourselves

Alternatively, we notice the flags and our reservations – but we enter into a bargaining phase with ourselves. This looks like ignoring what makes us feel uneasy and gaslighting ourselves about what we want.

Take the example of someone who wants a committed relationship but they make themselves believe they are happy with a casual one – because that’s what the other person is offering. “Maybe I can get them to fall in love with me, if I just hang around for long enough” the wounded part of the subconscious might think.

Or perhaps we tell ourselves that it is us who are in it with a casual attitude – and therefore we are okay with making these concessions – because the relationship will be only temporary. However – if truly we want a deeply intimate and connected relationship with an aligned partner – then we are gaslighting ourselves in settling for something that is not that in order to pass the time / avoid being alone.

Or take someone who wants a sexually passionate relationship and to feel strong attraction to their partner – yet they settle for someone ‘safe’ with whom this is not authentically felt. Perhaps this person has a history of trauma bonding and has begun to equate strong sexual attraction with an unsafe relationship – therefore swinging to the opposite side. “Perhaps the sexual attraction will build over time – at least I am safe here and not all by myself” the woundedness whispers.

(5)  Rapid closeness

There is a feeling of being almost sucked into each others’ lives, like a vacuum. Couple of first dates quickly turn into spending most days of the week together. We are high on the oxytocin released from the physical closeness and the building of emotional intimacy.

This is the part where the addiction energetic feels strong – our attention becomes obsessed with our partner. We may become obsessed with our phones and all the hits of attention we get from our romantic interest (or if we don’t – this triggers our anxious attachment). We might be quick to feel like we need to cut ourselves from being ‘on the dating scene’ – a drive to commit to the one person before we really know them or have much experience of them over time.

(6)  We are quick to self-abandon in relationships

Once in relationship -our attention will become fully occupied by the relationship. We lose connection to our own passions, activities and friends. We very readily give the space for the relationship to take up the majority of the energetic space in our lives.

We may also lose our sense of self as we increasingly do everything with our partner, shared friends and activities. As a result we do not take the time to connect to ourselves and our inner guidance, identifying what we want for ourselves outside of the partnership.

We have porous boundaries and as a result will have a tendency to enmesh with our partner emotionally and physically. For example – if we are disconnected from what feels good to us – this can manifest as performative sex and not being fully connected to our bodies or our pleasure. Therefore the sexual connection with our partner becomes stagnated and blocked or can cause emotional upset.

(7)  Being in relationship means emotional turbulence, instability, conflict

Coming into relationship from a place of woundedness is reflected in the connection.

Using the relationship as a way to avoid our pain means that there is additional pressure on it which is going to create turbulence and conflict.

With all the projections on your partner – come expectations. You will likely bring an expectation of a high proportion of your needs being met by your partner. When the person does not meet these expectations – we are disappointed with the added weight of the unmet needs of our wounded self.

Say you are dissatisfied with your career – but you avoid being aware of this (maybe you have made a lot of investments to have the career you do and you fear admitting it’s not what you want) and by taking action by distracting yourself with romance. You will subconsciously expect your partner to make you feel as you would want to be feeling in your career. Of course – this is unrealistic to expect of your partner and your need will never be met unless addressed at the right place. You are disappointed that your partner fell short of your projection + you still have the unmet need of satisfying work.

This is just one quite simplistic example – but as a codependent, our weakness really is in habitual self-abandonment and so it’s likely that there are degrees of misalignment in various areas of our lives. Because we have learnt that we need to take what we are given and to not ask for more.

All of these unmet needs and misalignment are going to manifest as irritability in our relationship. Our reactions become exaggerated as a result – and we can even surprise ourselves with how much a seemingly little thing has caused us upset.

Together with the added pressure of subconscious expectation for our relationship to be the “answer to all our problems” these will create an environment that is explosive and prone to conflict.

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So let’s observe how codependency feels internally – how we can understand and relate to the woundedness that codependency has been the answer to in the past?

To this wounded part of ourselves – the romantic connection is like a shiny dangling carrot in front of us – that looks like the easy solution to all that is missing. The promise of the joy, the love and happiness to come is tantalising, seductive. When this wounded part of us has not been addressed – it will hold the reins over our actions and we yield to the temptation of its potential.

Often this is combined with fantasy projections and stories of ‘twin flames’ or ‘having found The One’. I’m not saying you would not feel early on when someone might be “The One” or a deep connection. However – with codependence – there is an impatience to observing that feeling over time. We may wish to announce quickly to the world that “this is it!” rather than remaining curious about who this person is over time and how they show up. Perhaps there is even a fear that if not quickly announced and ‘grabbed’ – we miss out on the opportunity for this story to become reality.

We begin to fall in love with our projection of the other person rather than allowing them the space to show us who they are. We exert a pressure on the connection going a certain way – rather than being open to it developing organically of its own accord in a way that gives space for both to show up as themselves, without having to fit into the role that the other person wants us to fit into.

Energetically – codependency is an addiction energy, a grasping, a ‘must have’, a hungry energy. Spiritually it’s about not feeling Whole in ourselves – in our Spirit. The medicine is to acknowledge our codepency, to stop searching for our wholeness from the outside and to commit ourselves to finding our authentic completeness within. This is what my work is devoted to and what I aspire to share about in my writing.

cover photo: Milan Popovic on Unsplash