#027 - Embracing the Wanting Mind

Most of us – consciously or unconsciously - do a lot of wanting. Most likely we even have a whole flowchart of wants in our minds.

First I want to do well in this course –

-       So that I can get that promotion –

-       So that I can get that mortgage –

-       So that I can buy that house –

-       So that I can have more financial freedom –

-       So that I can access more opportunities –

-       So that I can garner more respect –

-       So that I can have better relationships…

… the number of steps can go on and on.

But usually, if you follow it all the way to the end – at the end is a desire to FEEL a particular way. Feeling happier, healthier, higher self-worth, more expressed, more freedom, more authentic, more connected, more full of love…

The more we try to achieve these feelings the roundabout way – the more we may encounter a sense of emptiness and disappointment when we achieve one of these stepping stones. On some level – we were expecting that FEELING a particular way was just around the next corner.

Buddhist teachings among most spiritual traditions aim to address this pernicious tendency of the mind. We are being taught how to become aware of this pattern and how to break the cycle. Sometimes I feel like in spirituality – there is a vilification of ‘want’ and encouragement to bypass or suppress it. While I do believe that spiritual evolution does transform our relationship with our wants – I don’t believe it serves us to try to bypass this stage. I believe that once this level is satiated – we will naturally ‘grow out’ of it. But if we try to move past it without truly honouring ourselves on that level – everything built on top of that is on shaky foundations.

Thus, an important step in the relationship with our wanting mind is to in fact remove any shame about our wanting. We are not bad or flawed for wanting to feel a certain way, to have material things or to have certain kinds of experiences.

Next, we should get honest about our wants.

Going over that flowchart of desire – always asking ourselves “What do I want that for?”

I want the house… so that I can feel [what?]

I want the job… so that I can [what?]… so that I can [what?] … so that I can feel [what?]

I want the partner… so that I can [what?] … so that I can feel [what?]

I want the body… so that I can [what?]

Etc.

And when we dig a little deeper – we might find that we want to feel that very thing that we didn’t feel in our childhood.

For example:

If we grew up around chaos, we may be seeking stability and security.

If we grew up feeling disconnected from others – we may seek love, connection and appreciation (and we will do this in ways that we have observed or learnt that that can be attained – i.e. by being successful or being a ‘good person’ or always caretaking of others, and so on)

If we grew up being smothered or controlled – we may be seeking freedom.

If we grew up in deprivation, we may be seeking survival.

If we grew up feeling like we weren’t understood or seen – we may be seeking to express ourselves, to receive attention, to feel fully seen and understood.

If we grew up feeling like we weren’t taken care of by our father / mother – we may be seeking to feel taken care of by our partner in that way.

* * *

It makes sense that we would want these things – after all, there is apart of us that feels like we didn’t get our fill – like we missed having our need met. So it makes sense that part of us is yearning to have that experience.

Yet, unfortunately, it rarely works out to receive that missing piece from the outside as adults. At least in a way that fully satisfies the want. The energy around the want can become so strong, so controlling and desperate that it mostly just repels away the very thing we want.

So we need to find a more creative way to have this want satisfied. We also need to get fully intimate with this want – really understand what it’s about. Rather than avoid it or feel bad about it – fully dive into exploring it, continuing with a variation of the question:

“If I had that – then…

            … I would feel [x]…

            … [x] would be possible…

            … it would mean that [x]…”

 * * *

I just did this process of fully leaning into my desire for myself. I wanted to share the process, but it feels too intimate at the moment to share that. It’s a vulnerable thing to explore, which is why I believe it’s so powerful to do this process on our own. This way, hopefully, we can create enough of a safe space as to really get honest with ourselves.

I will share that it started with a particular desire that has been present for me – and once I was letting myself ‘have that’ in my imagination – whole new levels and layers appeared. Ones that feel much closer to my Dharma, to my life’s Purpose. There was also a feeling of ease and of clarity, rather than the pounding feeling of the ‘wanting’.

So – I feel that what this is telling me is that this more ‘superficial want’ is actually a manifestation of my Soul’s yearning to be fully aligned with my Purpose. And that when I put my efforts towards that – I will satisfy the ‘wanting mind’ in that creative way I mentioned before.

I suspect that in getting in touch with this “Sacred, Core Want” – my relationship to these more superficial objects of desire will undergo profound transformation, perhaps melting away or changing shape.

So – the conclusion of my writing today is:

Overcoming our desire isn’t through denying or ignoring them. It’s through meeting them with curiosity and getting intimate with them.

What are your ‘wants’ really about - beneath the surface?

What is the way they are pointing you towards?

cover photo taken by Iain Glenn in Edinburgh