#029 - How we get attached to our woundedness

I define ‘woundedness’ as anything that is keeping us from our growth:

It’s the pride that prevents us admitting that something isn’t working.

It’s the fear that prevents us from surrendering.

It’s the overthinking that prevents us from feeling.

It’s the attachment to being right that keeps us from learning something that would help us.

It’s the beliefs about the world that justify our smallness, disconnection or dissatisfaction in our lives.

Today I’ll talk about the three ways that our attachment to our woundedness manifests:

(1)     Gaslighting ourselves

Protecting ourselves by not admitting the truth of what we want, what we desire from life, what it would mean to live without no regrets. Distancing ourselves from even admitting our desire for something more, for something to improve about our lives or our situation. This is the energetic of avoidance.

“I should be grateful for what I have” your avoidance might say, or some variation of that - because it doesn’t comprehend the possibility of being able to hold both the feelings of gratitude as well as desire. There is an underlying fear that admitting our desire is going to open a floodgate of yearning, dissatisfaction and being in a perpetual state of wanting.

And that is a painful place to be in – if for years you are wanting but not receiving what you want. If deep down the belief is “I am not going to receive that which I want” – then indeed the logical conclusion is to subconsciously prevent yourself from wanting in the first place. It’s safer to give up before you even try – protecting yourself from disappointment and pain.

This is akin to the way in which the avoidant attachment style is actually a protective layer above anxious attachment. People who are scared of the possibility of getting attached anxiously manage that by staying in avoidance. What the avoidant energetic often fails to understand is that from anxious you can get to ‘earned secure attachment’.

It is possible to hold our desire for a more integrated, expanded life with balance. We can hold that desire whilst still being grateful for everything we have in our lives at the moment. We can still cultivate a satisfaction in the present moment, taking pleasure and appreciating everything that is unfolding in front of us right now. In fact, I believe it’s important to do both these things in order to manifest our vision.

(2)     Basing our ego on substitutes

One way that we deal with being in a state of woundedness is that we develop stories that help us feel better about being disconnected from what we truly desire. For example, the man who genuinely wants a loving, intimate relationship yet he feels undeserving of it and his avoidance prevents him from experiencing true intimacy. To cope with this - he instead chases numerous superficial sexual experiences as a proxy for the intimacy he truly desires, and as a proxy for feeling desirable and lovable.

Or for another example – the mother who never pursued her true passion and now is living vicariously through her children. She subconsciously tries to justify her sacrifice by placing an expectation on motherhood giving her the feeling of fulfilment her soul wants to feel. This creates tension with her children and her partner who will inevitably resist this energy of demand and control. Alternatively, her children grow up feeling guilty for the unhappiness of their mother that they cannot help but feel responsible for.

These are just two examples to paint the picture – but there are as many ways to paint the picture as there are people.

On a more general level - we might place our worth and our validation on things like our jobs, how much money we make, our social status and popularity – or our partnership, our appearance, our wealth. Or on identities we think of as admirable, such as being an intellectual, a busy hustler, an artist, an academic, a spiritual guru, a witch, a boss, and industry leader…

Or the identities could be based on what we give to others - such as being a ‘good mother’, an ‘activist’, ‘responsible member of the community’ or ‘a good person’ (whatever that means to you… at least you’re not like *those* people over there).

We believe that these external accomplishments or identities mean something about us. They mean that we are smart (and thus we deserve to be heard). They mean that we are caring and good (and thus deserve the care of others). They mean that we are successful (and thus deserve the respect of others). They mean that we are special (and thus, others will want to be around us).

They help us feel loveable and deserving.

It can feel very vulnerable and exposing to admit that these substitutes are not giving us the real thing. For we cannot externalise authentic self-worth and truly being connected to love. But to give up something that our long-held belief system said would give us those things – is not an easy task. It’s a humbling process that involves grief, shedding, de-layering, possible existential quakes.

(3)     Resisting guidance

A certain level of consciousness wants to protect itself. It can feel suspicious, doubtful, triggered or irritated by a higher level of consciousness. Like a child – it can throw a tantrum in the doorway when the higher level of consciousness invites it to come outside to play – in the fresh air, in the open, wide world.

Now – I am a huge proponent of always honouring our safety, trust and what feels right for us. I don’t believe we should throw away our reservations and run along with whichever next spiritual guru or cult comes our way.

However – knowing that we are likely going to be reserved about the good stuff as well as the ‘bad’ is helpful. It can help us find ways to keep ourselves open to the invitations of higher consciousness and surrender to the goodness of the Universe – even when we are initially triggered by them.

Usually these invitations come in the form of teachers of some ilk. Our woundedness might judge our teachers initially as ‘looney’, fake, privileged, toxically positive, weak, ‘mushy’, too much, too happy, too confident... the list goes on. And the judgment usually contains within it some indication about what we still hold in our shadow and need to integrate within.

That said – if you don’t resonate with something or someone… 90% of the time it’s because it isn’t for you, at least not right now.

But there’s the 10% where you resist because it actually is the guidance you need – but your woundedness is kind of stirred up by it.

Developing our intuition as to what falls into which category is a cornerstone of the journey to our greatness and expansion.

 * * *

In conclusion – our woundedness tries to self-protect and resist our evolution. It does this through avoidance mechanisms that protect us from some form of fear. It also does this by feeding the beliefs that justify the status quo and render attempts to growth futile.

Developing awareness of how our woundedness operates and how it tries to keep us ‘safe’ is what will set us free from being controlled by it.