#002 - What I have learnt
Last week I made a post about my ex-partner, Blue, who I had a codependent relationship with. This was painfully expressed in them attempting suicide when we broke up - their sense of meaning and worth and ‘reason to live’ was so enmeshed in partnership, that to lose it meant pain so great that it was unbearable. Blue had had a traumatic past and had been struggling with their mental health for many years. After our breakup, Blue had another relationship and another breakup. After this one, they succeeded with their attempt.
I had to process a lot of guilt and grief during this time. It was a ‘baptism by fire’ to never feel responsible for the feelings or experience of another person. This has been medicine for the codependent and people-pleaser in me. This has also been a lesson for me to not hold other people responsible for my feelings and experience - which to (again, the codependent) part of me is a bitter pill to swallow. “What do you mean I shouldn’t subconsciously expect for the perfect partner to swoop in and make everything better for me?”
At the same time - accepting that I am responsible for my own feelings and experience - is liberating. I can start changing things right now. I don’t need to wait for “the day that my Lover- Saviour would come into my life” - I can start right now. I can start creating the life that I subconsciously imagine I will get with the right partner. I can take radical responsibility for my own experience, rather than outsource it to external factors.
The guiding principle in going about this process has been to start growing my Self Worth.
Recognising where I have had low self worth in different areas of my life: romantic relationships, work, in my relationship to money, friendships, homespace, how I present myself, how I treat myself… and asking myself:
“Where did I pick up the subconscious belief that I am only worth this much in this area of my life?”
This is where the healing begins. Starting to build new narratives, reprogramming the stories that no longer serve me. Making choices that align with my values and that respect my highest level of knowledge. Fiercely prioritising self-care.
Sometimes doing this is f*cking hard - but it helps knowing that every choice matters. Every choice that supports my integrity is building my strength to keep taking those steps towards the most evolved version of me. The version of me that lives a truly fulfilling life - expressing my true and authentic self in the world. The version of me that isn’t caught up in chasing substitutes or outsourcing my happiness and worthiness to something or someone external.
So - the bottom line of one of the biggest lessons that is alive for me right now: Nothing outside of me is going to create my happiness. I have the responsibility and the power to take charge of my experience. It’s deep work, and things don’t change overnight. But I am committed, and I celebrate this commitment. If you like, you are welcome on the journey towards thriving with me!
