#015 - When bad things happen…
… we are being tested.
I had a couple of unfortunate events take place this evening. My nervous system got activated, and for a few moments I made use of some coping mechanisms. Then I remembered what my teacher says about unfortunate events.
They are tests from the Universe – seeing if we will wobble, or if our nervous system is ready to handle the next Good Thing that is about to come through.
Whether or not you believe in manifestation – for me this is a helpful and powerful reframe. Instead of spiraling down the thought paths that my activated nervous system so easily conjures up – instead of this, taking some slow, deep breaths and telling myself:
“This is a test – good things are about to come through – don’t let this affect you more than it needs to”
At the end of the day – there are solutions to all problems. We might not like them at first, but they are ones that we can live with. You might need to let go of something – and that letting go might be painful. However, the more we resist it, the more suffering it will be accompanied with.
Instead, I can choose this as an invitation to grow in some regard. An invitation to grow my pool into an ocean, where letting go of something is not such a big loss. An invitation to lean into my constructive coping mechanisms – to practice bringing my activated nervous system back into regulation. The greatest training comes from running uphill rather than flat ground.
Every choice made matters – and one good choice after nine bad ones matters even more. So – wherever we are on that journey, whatever we have done in the past, what we choose to do in the next moment is the one that matters. Being hard on ourselves is another form of spiraling down. “What’s the point of eating an apple after I binged on all those biscuits and ice cream?” – to give an example. It matters. It is significant. Every little step towards making the choices that in our hearts we know are the right ones for us counts.
I’ll repeat this: Being hard on ourselves is another form of spiraling down.
It’s another way that we keep ourselves in a pendulum of control and shame about ourselves, which does not help things in the long run. Sustainable change and growth is fuelled by the energy of love and compassion, not force or shame.
A loving parent encourages his or her child to reflect and to grow.
“It’s okay that we reacted, that our temper got the better of us – how would we like to respond when the opportunity arises again?”
“What can we put in place to help us respond rather than react next time?”
The loving parent recognizes that this is a practice – there will be one step forward, three steps back, two steps forward, one step back… It might look like we are doing worse than when we started, but setting the intention to grow is growth in itself. Setting the intention to grow is likely going to test us, in itself. For whenever we grow, we are expanding beyond the safe and familiar (even if it has been painful). And growth by this definition is going to activate our nervous system.
“Who am I to dare to try grow beyond this point, extend beyond these parameters?”
- the safety-driven subconscious brain asks.
The loving parent is there, with their grounded patience. Their gentle encouragement and unwavering trust in their child. They guide the attention back towards the intention, towards being present with the task at hand. However many times we’ve fallen, our parent is there to encourage us to give it another go, when we are ready.
Making the right choices requires focus, it requires attention. Attention will waver, but like the routine meditator, we compassionately and kindly guide our attention back to the breath, or the task at hand.
